


If I Can't Have You

by J_Hwang



Series: Song Inspired [5]
Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Happy Ending, Song Inspired, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 12:17:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21320065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Hwang/pseuds/J_Hwang
Summary: Inspired by Shawn Mendes - If I Can't Have You
Relationships: Han Dong | Handong/Kim Yoohyeon
Series: Song Inspired [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1550344
Kudos: 16





	If I Can't Have You

** _ I can’t write one song that’s not about you _ **

** _ Can’t drink without thinking about you _ **

** _ Is it too late to tell you that _ **

** _ Everything means nothing if I can’t have you? _ **

Yoohyeon stare at the picture on her hand. These two girls are smiling next to each other, wearing a long summer dress. One is Yoohyeon, and the other one is Handong, her childhood friends, and the love of her life.

Yoohyeon had always in love with the older, ever since they are little. But she is too scared to tell her that. And so she stays as a good friend that will always be there when the older need her. 

It’s been 4 years since they graduated from university.  _ ‘I want to go to Canada to pursue my studies in music.’ _ Handong suddenly said. And so there she goes, right after their graduation ceremony. Leaving Yoohyeon and her friends behind, pursuing her dreams.

Yoohyeon stayed behind, taking over her father’s company, alongside her older sister, Minji. 

They keep in touch with each other, texting and sometimes video calls with each other. Though because of the time difference they usually just texting, they never stop getting in touch. Not until one Christmas, when Handong didn’t reply to her texts, that is when she found out that Handong has a boyfriend there on the other side of the world. 

She is heartbroken of course, who to lie, she loves the girl for years. But she can’t just ruin her best friend’s happiness too, so she congratulates her. Wishing her a long-lasting relationship and a happy one. 

** _ I’m in Toronto and I got this view _ **

** _ But I might as well be in a hotel room, yeah _ **

** _ It doesn’t matter ‘cause I’m so consumed _ **

** _ Spending all my nights reading texts from you _ **

Yoohyeon went to Toronto one winter day. She went there for a meeting because her sister couldn’t make it. Toronto was just hours away from where Handong resides, but no, she didn’t tell her that she is there. Simply because she couldn’t face looking at Handong being happy with another man holding her. 

Yoohyeon will be staying in Toronto until the end of the year, which means that she will be spending Christmas there, alone. But she doesn’t mind. It’s not like she could just go to where Handong stays and crash in. Handong must have her own Christmas party with her boyfriend. 

So she went to this bar downtown alone, on a Christmas Eve to drink her night away. Ignoring Handong’s phone calls and texts was all she need to do for now, and so she did. Handong is worried, she does, because she can’t reach Yoohyeon for days. And so she called Minji, asking for Yoohyeon whereabouts.

*Christmas day*

12.05 “You are not answering my calls, and you didn’t even tell me you are coming to Canada. Toronto was only like an hour's flight… You could have told me.”

13.45 “Are you ignoring me Kim Yoohyeon?”

15.45 “You don’t want to see me that much?”

16.15 “Yah! Kim Yoohyeon! You seriously want me to fly to Toronto now? Because I will do just that it you still didn’t read my messages.”

19.30 “I just finished my meeting, and now I am on my way back to the hotel to prepare for the dinner later.” 

19.32 “Meeting on Christmas day? You sure it’s not because you are ignoring me?”

19.40 “You can ask Minji if you didn’t believe.”

19.41 “Okay, I trust you. But seriously, you could have told me, I will fly there to accompany you.”

19.45 “It’s okay, I am here for meetings, not for fun.”

19.47 “But still! I miss you.” *read*

20.00 “Yah. Why are you not replying?”

** _ Oh, I’m good at keeping my distance _ **

** _ I know that you’re the feeling I’m missing _ **

** _ You know that I hate to admit it _ **

** _ But everything means nothing if I can’t have you _ **

** _ _ **

The meeting was real, and yes she just finished with her meeting on Christmas day. But there wasn’t any dinner, she just wants to get away and be alone. She is keeping her distance from Handong. 

Tonight, on Christmas night, she spent it alone, drinking away her loneliness at this bar that she went to yesterday. 

“You are alone again tonight.” There is this girl the works as a bartender there, she was also there the other night. 

“Yeah…”

“Want me to accompany you for the night?” She tried to flirt with her, but no, it’s not working. 

“I am okay… I just want to be alone.” Yoohyeon said and left the counter. 

She walks around the town, looking at people that smile happily with their friends, families, or loved ones. And yet she is all alone, clutching on her oversize jacket, walking back to her hotel. 

** _ I can’t write one song that’s not about you _ **

** _ Can’t drink without thinking about you _ **

** _ Is it too late to tell you that _ **

** _ Everything means nothing if I can’t have you? _ **

** _ _ **

It was 1 am when Yoohyeon arrived at her hotel. She took out the bottle of whiskey that she bought on her way home, pours it into a glass and open her phone.

22.15 “You done with the dinner?”

22.30 “Yoo, talk to me.”

22.55 “If you keep on doing this, I will seriously fly to Toronto the first thing tomorrow morning.”

23.15 “I am booking a flight now.”

23.45 “My flight will be arriving around 8 am. And I know where you stay.” 

24.00 “Christmas is over. I will see you tomorrow, Yoo. Love you.”

She read through the texts that Handong left. Love. How she wishes that the love she said has the same meaning as the love Yoohyeon is feeling. But no, Handong only thinks of her as her best friend.

It’s 3 am and she finished the whole bottle of whiskey. She feels tipsy now and decides to sleep it away.

** _ I’m so sorry that my timing’s off _ **

** _ But I can’t move on if we’re still gonna talk _ **

** _ Is it wrong for me to not want half? _ **

** _ I want all of you, all the strings attached _ **

** _ _ **

She woke up by a doorbell, having a hangover because of the whiskey she drank last night, she feels her head throbbing. She tried to walk straight to the door, holding her head. The moment she opens the door, there stands Handong with her luggage, staring at her.

“You reek on alcohol! Just how much did you drink?” she asks.

“You are so noisy, my head hurt.” Yoohyeon shrugs it off and went back to her bed trying to sleep.

“A whole bottle of whiskey?!” Handong holds up the empty bottle and stares at her in disbelief. 

“Whatever, I just feel like drinking. Now let me sleep. Why are you here anyway.”

“I text to you yesterday but you didn’t reply.”

“Yeah, I am busy.”

“Busy drinking?”

“What do you want from me! Let me sleep will you?!” Yoohyeon barked. 

And Handong drop the topic. She left the girl that starts to drift back to slumber and try to clean up the mess in her hotel room. She arranges her scattered clothes, documents and cleans up the glasses on the table. 

Her eyes fell on this small notebook with pages open on the table. There she saw the scribbles,  _ ‘Poem? Lyrics? I wonder for who this scribble is written?’  _ She thought to herself while looking at the sleeping girl.  _ ‘What are you hiding from me, Yoohyeon-ah. You seem so distance nowadays’  _ She thought to herself.

It’s almost 3 pm when Yoohyeon finally woke up. She turns around, feeling that someone is sleeping beside her. Oh boy, she shouldn’t turn. Not she lay face to face with Handong. Handong got tired of waiting, and because of the lack of sleep, she fell asleep beside Yoohyeon. She just stares at her sleeping face for a while when suddenly. 

“You are staring too much Yoo…”

“Ah, you are awake.” Yoohyeon sits up immediately.

“Well, I can feel you staring.”

“Sorry.” She stands up and went to the bathroom to take a shower.

Handong also sits up, and stare at Yoohyeon’s back when she walks into the bathroom.  _ ‘She changed.’  _ She thought. But she can’t make out what makes her change. 

** _ Oh, I’m good at keeping my distance _ **

** _ I know that you’re the feeling I’m missing _ **

** _ You know that I hate to admit it _ **

** _ But everything means nothing if I can’t have you _ **

They ended up spending the rest of the year together. Not that Yoohyeon minds, it’s just that Handong makes it hard for her to move on. They talk, catching up with each other, about their friends back in Korea, and also about Minji. 

Yoohyeon told her that Minji is getting married soon, to her girlfriend of 5 years, Lee Siyeon. Handong was so happy, and she told her Yoohyeon that she will be back to Korea for the wedding, and make sure that Yoohyeon will tell Minji about it. 

** _ I can’t write one song that’s not about you _ **

** _ Can’t drink without thinking about you _ **

** _ Is it too late to tell you that _ **

** _ Everything means nothing if I can’t have you? _ **

Another year has ended, and here comes a new one. It’s spring, which means Minji’s wedding is coming closer. Everyone is busy preparing for it. Yoohyeon did tell Minji that Handong will be coming too, and she was so happy that she called Handong right away. 

Their cousins all gathering around now, Bora, fly back from France to help with the preparation. Gahyeon and Dami, Siyeon’s little sisters, which is also Yoohyeon’s classmates in high school will also come.

The long wait has ended, and today the wedding day comes. Everyone is so happy for the two, their parents also can’t stop smiling looking at the two. But all Yoohyeon can see is Handong. Yes, she came. But she didn’t come alone. And when she thought she is okay, Handong decides to shows up with a man. 

“Hey, guys! It’s been a long time!” Handong comes over to their table alongside her boyfriend (or so they thought). 

“Oh! You made it! It sure been years since we last met, Dong-a.” Bora gave her a brief hug.

“Yeah, sorry that I haven’t come back for so long. Ah! This is Chris anyway. And Chris, they are my friends that I always told you.” Handong introduces the man beside her. 

They chatted for a while until Handong excuses herself and the man to go great Minji and Siyeon. And Yoohyeon just sits there, watching them leaving, not muttering a word.

Dami, Bora, and Gahyeon stays beside her all the time. Comforting her. They know that Yoohyeon is hurting, but they also can’t do anything about it. As much as they want to tell her to move on, they also know it’s not their position to tell her so, and so all they did was stays beside her. 

** _ I’m trying to move on _ **

** _ Forget you, but I hold on _ **

** _ Everything means nothing, babe _ **

** _ Everything means nothing if I can’t have you, no _ **

** _ _ **

It’s been months since Minji’s wedding, everything went back to normal. Handong went back to Canada a week after. No, they didn’t hang out during that week, since Handong is busy showing the man around. 

The two continue to text each other, they rarely call each other now, but they never stop leaving texts for each other. Yoohyeon tried to move on, she did. But every time she makes up her mind, Handong pops up. And so she is back to square one. She falls for her, deeper and deeper. 

06/25 20.30 “Yoo, I will be going back to Korea next month. This time for good.” 

That’s the last message from Handong. Yoohyeon didn’t realize it until 2 days later because she is away for meetings in another country and too busy to look at her message. 

06/27 19.45 “Hey! Sorry, I just saw your message. Having a meeting in Japan, and I just got back to Korea.” 

06/28 20.00 “It’s okay. I am busy with papers too.” 

Both got busy that they didn’t text each other for a while. Her friends ask her if she still talks to Handong,  _ ‘Yes’  _ was all she answered.

** _ I can’t write one song that’s not about you _ **

** _ Can’t drink without thinking about you _ **

** _ Is it too late to tell you that _ **

** _ Everything means nothing if I can’t have you? _ **

** _ _ **

It’s almost 11 pm and Yoohyeon is standing in front of the arrival gate, waiting for Handong to come out. She insists that she will be picking her up since it late at night and it’s a danger for her to catch a taxi this late. 

She has waited for 30 minutes since the plane got delayed, but she will be waiting patiently. She is used to waiting after all. 

“Yoohyeon!!” Handong calls her name the moment she walks out of the arrival gate. She ran and crash her body into Yoohyeon’s. 

“It’s been months and I miss you!” She said. And Yoohyeon just smiles at her. 

Yoohyeon drives both of them home, and since it’s late and Handong home is far, she will stay at Yoohyeon’s for the night. She calls her parents, telling them that she has arrived safely and she will be staying at Yoohyeon’s.

Handong throw her body into Yoohyeon’s bed the moment they arrived.  _ ‘I am so tired and jetlagged’ _ She whines. And Yoohyeon just smiles at her friend. 

“Go get changed first, Dong-a.” Yoohyeon put down her luggage and sit beside her on the bed.

“I am too lazy to move! Help me…? Please?” Handong looks at her with begging eyes.

It will be a lie if Yoohyeon said that she is not affected. Because her heart is beating crazily now. But she still manages to keep her calm state and help Handong removing her make up. 

It’s 2 am and Handong has already fast asleep beside her. Yoohyeon just stares at her, admiring the beauty beside her, wishing that this is what she will see before she sleeps, and the first thing she will see when she wakes up. But she can only wish for that. She stares at her for a while and she went into slumber. 

For the next few days, they didn’t meet with each other. Yoohyeon is busy with company matters, and Handong has gone back home to catch up with her family. They do make a promise to hang out this weekend,  _ ‘Movie night’  _ Handong said, like what they used to do before. 

Handong comes over to her apartment, bringing along foods and drinks. And Yoohyeon is setting up the movie for them to watch. They are watching some romantic movies, hugging each other, while eating their popcorn. Oh, how much Yoohyeon wishes they can do this forever, holding Handong close to her.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Handong suddenly asks.

“Yes?”

“You know, I saw your notes… the one with scribbles all over, when I clean up your hotel room last Christmas.” Yoohyeon widened her eyes, now her focus is all to Handong. 

“And I saw the same notes last week… inside your room, and I might or might not read over it.”

“Ah…”

“Who is that lucky person?” 

“Hmm? What lucky person?”

“You wrote that, thinking of someone. I know some sounds sad, but still, who are you thinking about when you wrote that?”

“Just… someone…”

“I hope you tell her or him? Your feelings. Before it’s too late.” Handong now looks down, playing with the popcorn on her hands.

“I wish I could. But that person has someone already.”

“Oh? How are you so sure? Did I know this person?”

“Yes… you do you know her well.”

Handong looks up at her with curious eyes. “Who…?” She asks. And Yoohyeon just stares at her not saying a word.

Handong now finally gets what it means, she smiles. “You know what? It’s not too late to ask. And it’s not too late if you tell that person what you feel.” She said.

Yoohyeon looks at her, confuse, but then smiles and said, “Then, Handong, I wish I was not too late for this. I have been in love with you for years, and will never stop doing so. I do once thinking about giving up, but each time I tried, I failed. And so I stay in love with you. I know that you already have someone that you love dearly, but I just want to tell you that, your happiness is also mine, as long as you are happy, then I will be too.” 

Yoohyeon sit straight, not they are sitting face to face. She played with Handong’s hands and continues. 

“For years I tried to distance myself, to busied myself, I tried to let myself forget about these feelings. Heck, I even try to find a one night stand, but I can’t just forget about it.” Handong laugh, which cause Yoohyeon to pout, but she continues.

“When I went to Toronto last year, I tried to avoid you, that is why I didn’t tell you. But then you decide to call my sister. You know how hard it is for me to avoid you there? How hard I tried not to hold your hands, hold my urge to kiss you.” 

“What’s holding you? You could just do that.”

“No, I can’t… you have a boyfriend.”

“Didn’t I told you we broke up?” Handong looks at her confused. 

“No you didn’t, you never told me that. Besides, you did bring someone to Minji’s wedding too.”

“So that’s why you didn’t even try to contact me when I’m here that whole week? That is not my boyfriend Yoo… He is my classmate, and he told me he wants to come along to visit Korea.”

“Ah… anyway, yeah…” 

“You know what… you are stupid.”

“I am huh…”

“You are… You could’ve just told me you know. Instead of holding your feelings like that. And here you think you did a good job holding it? No, you didn’t Yoo… I know about your feelings for me for years. I just want you to come to me and talk it out, but no, you avoid me and keeping distance with me instead.” 

** _ I can’t write one song that’s not about you _ **

** _ Can’t drink without thinking about you _ **

** _ Is it too late to tell you that _ **

** _ Everything means nothing if I can’t have you? _ **

That night, the two of them ditched the movie and straightened out their feelings instead. Yoohyeon poured out all her feelings, telling her how much she is hurting when she found out Handong date someone else. Handong just smiles, holds her hands, and in the end, she also confessed her feelings for the younger one, telling her how she finally realizes her feelings for the younger one when she was in Canada. 

Distance makes her realize her longing for the younger. Her touch, her hug, her warmth, and her comfort when she is down or sad. And the reason why she decides to come back to Korea is that she doesn’t want to wait any longer, she wants to claim the younger as hers, and she doesn’t want the younger to avoid her any longer. 

* * *

It’s been 2 years since that night, and the two of them now moving in together. Their friends are of course happy that the two of them finally sorted out their feelings. Minji was so happy because this means she can see her little sister smile more and not hurting anymore.

Yoohyeon found these notes when she is arranging her table. The notes where she scribbles down her feelings and turns it into a lyrics. She re-read it and smile. 

“What are you smiling at, love?” Handong hugs her from behind and peek through her shoulder.

“I found these notes. The notes that you saw.” 

“Ah… this is also what brings us together tho… if I am not asking you about this, you won’t be spilling out your feelings that night.”

“It’s true.” Yoohyeon smiles. She turns around, looks at Handong in her eyes, leans in and there they share a sweet kiss.

** _ Is it too late to tell you that _ **

** _ Everything means nothing if I can’t have you? _ **

No, turns out it’s not too late. Because now she is holding on the love of her life. The one that she promised she will cherish forever.


End file.
